Dongwon's Advice

A post-doc in my lab sort of took me under his wing when he arrived. We occasionally have these "an-young" (Korean for "hello", I got to pick the name) sessions where we talk about my concerns with my research or career or whatever. They were invaluable, mainly for my emotional well-being.

Well, I decided on 10/5/08 that I would leave grad school and have been slowly telling people since. I told Dongwon yesterday, the 10th. He was a little disappointed that I was leaving in the first place. He maintains (and I agree, for the record) that a grad student has no idea what she's doing until at least two years of research. He feels that I'm about to get good. But he didn't try to convince me to stay yesterday.

He did try to convince me to get a job before I set in motion my plans to leave (i.e. tell my boss). He says it's like his son trying to go outside in the winter without a jacket: he just wants to go outside and doesn't care about the risks. He started to convince me. But I decided to stick to my plan: tell my boss now and start finding a job immediately. I'm doing it this way for a few reasons, the main reason being that I don't feel like I'm good at being a grad student. I'm not talking about feeling inadequate. I'm talking about feeling all relief and no pride after doing anything relating to my project. So, I don't want to have grad school as a fall-back; I want to force myself to find something I like better. Once I tell my boss, I can't change my mind. The promise of being jobless is great inspiration for finding a job. As I've said, historians will call this move either stupid or bold, depending on the outcome. As I write all this, I feel like I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is. I take that as a good sign, that my confidence is up.

So, maybe it's a difference in risk-appetite. Dongwon is, after all, a family man with a child and wife to support. For him, a move like this could be extremely dangerous. It just feels weird to not be following his advice. He's helped me through so much. Entering new territory for both of us.

A bonus: I think people who know me know that I have great talent for diffidence. It may surprise them (as it sometimes surprises me) that I'm being so positive about this change. There are a few explanations for this. The simplest to explain is a dream I had about a month and a half ago.

In the dream, I was alone in my apartment. The power was going out, it was storming like a mother outside, and I was really nervous because Rita was late getting home. Someone opened the door from outside. I had to chase them away with a knife. Back in my apartment, I was even more scared now that my home was under attack. Things sort of slowed down as a figure came down the darkened hallway. It was the ghost of my grandpa. He asked if everything was alright. I said it was. He went back from where he came. I was totally calm after that knowing that my grandpa was watching me. The storm stopped and Rita came home fine.

And this was after asking to have a dream to give me some guidance in my career decision. Self-fulfilling, maybe, but it sure had an impact on me. Everything's going to be ok.